Domestic robots with a taste for flesh.

Ahll be bach... vith condiments!

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Mind-reading device sends Twitter messages.

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How now brown cow? Run for it!

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Maggots no wonder cure for festering wounds

Next they'll be telling us that leeches are no good for curing the scurvy...

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New brochure promoting 'climate change literacy.'

Covers the basics of climate change and its consequences in an easy-to-understand way. Recommended to anyone genuinely curious about the worsening climate situation and how it got that way, with a minimum of ten-dollar words.

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Antarctic glaciers melting faster than thought

So the good news is that scientists were wrong about global climate change. The bad news is... um... everything else.

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Alp-sized peaks found entombed in Antarctic ice

Though this is, in fact, a story on how scientists are trying to accurately predict the consequences of accelerating global climate change, I have to admit, the first thought I had was, 'holy crap, they've found the Mountains of Madness.'

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Cello scrotum - the truth at last

Next they'll be saying that 'Kazoo throat' is fake, too...

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Our world may be a giant hologram

So that's the problem with the world. We're trapped in a holodeck episode from Star Trek: Voyager.

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Shocking study finds most will torture if ordered

Regarding the first sentence of the last paragraph: I came to the exact opposite conclusion.

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British pilot hits cow during emergency landing

Of course, he says it was an accident. And the cow is apparently unhurt and not pressing charges. Me, I think this was the opening salvo of 'Mad Cow Wars II: The British Empire Strikes Back.'

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Happy Friday! We're fucked!

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Ever have that feeling that the universe has you in its sights and is ready to squeeze the trigger?

It does, and it is!

(On the plus side, instead of killing us, it might turn us green and give us super-strength.)

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FBI wiretap cut off for unpaid bill

This is just like that time the CIA had to stop using waterboard torture because someone forgot to pay the water utility...

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Mystery Underwear Stymies Guantanamo Investigators

I bet it turns out the illicit undergarments were brought in by the same guys who bring in the waterboard and the car battery with the testicle clamps. 'Cause I'm sure none of the guys there thought they'd need a change of undies.

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Weekly World News to cease publication.

Yeah, I know, the WWN will continue online, but... damn.

I bet the alien telemarketers are behind this.

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Bible drawn into sex publication controversy.

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If you are a dedicated go-getter with a proven track record of attendance, the White House has an exciting new career in war management for you! We are looking for a dynamic, self-starting, Saved individual with extensive wartime experience (time spent playing "Risk" will be favorably considered) and a willingness to manage war activities in accordance with accepted White House foreign policy source material (see King James Bible: Book of Revelations). Benefits include four weeks of paid vacation per year, 401(k), Halliburton stock options, and an advance reservation to be included in the Rapture. Uniform and Bible (as censored to conform to National Security Directives) included; applicant must provide own shovel and hip waders. Interested parties should send resume, cover letter, 3x5 photo, DNA profile, and list of Secret Society memberships to K. Rove in Human Resources. Deadline for application has been indefinitely extended.

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If you're in this prison in El Salvador, just pull the pin for permanent relief.

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I would like to take this opportunity to do something I have never done before: congratulate our War Time Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush, for his outstanding work in fighting the outsourcing of more American labor overseas. Thanks to his diligent efforts, we no longer have to outsource the torture of uncharged suspects in the War on Some Terror (tm) -- we can keep these detainees in the United States, where we can give these torture jobs to fully-qualified American torture experts.

No longer must we rely on cheap foreign torturers with their cut rate blowtorches and creepy knife-like things... when we put out the order that some guy we imprisoned based on faulty intelligence is going to get his nuts hooked up to a car battery unless he confesses to whatever bizarre stuff we dreamed up for him to confess to, we can take pride in the fact that it is American hands hooking him up to a quality American product! And it is our illustrious President Bush who we have to thank for finally stemming the flow of jobs overseas with this legislation he is so looking forward to signing.

Now I'm just waiting for Sally Struthers to offer a course in how to learn how to torture the shit out of people in the privacy of my own home. Because I'm all about the job security, man.